| | Warning not a happy blog.... I feel it's best to get it out and in the open to help me get it over with. Instead of letting people know one by one and feeling the pain of telling everyone one by one. Plus I can't keep all this in any longer.
This Past week my world has been turned upside down (starting last Sunday Morning 04-19-2009)… prayer would be greatly appreciated….. many of you have read my husbands blog and know the story, but for those that haven’t…... there is no easy way to say it so here it is: My husband (Maurice) has had a 3 ½ - 4 year affair with a good, well used to be good friend of ours (Lauren – no use hiding her name now - in hindsight she really was no friend of mine – too many lies to my face) ……needless to say I am stunned, pissed off, hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, and what not. I am taking things hour by hour instead of day by day… will have to see how things end up.
Feo Amante posted something on his facebook that hit me:
Things that women don’t get about straight guys: 15th in a series –
When a gal catches her guy cheating, she wants her man back from “that slut”.
When a guy catches his gal cheating, he wants his life back from “that slut”.
It’s true I want my man back, because I want my life back, we have kids together, my life is a family life, I thought it was a happy life, but that was a life chuck full of lies.
So was I ever really happy? Was Maurice ever happy with his life with me? Now I have to wonder. Why do I want this man back? Somehow, someway I am still staying with him (well at least for now) but it’s far from being fixed, OK or Happy. Let’s face it I don’t know if I can ever trust him again.
Don’t worry I have a core set of friends (Ro, Jenn, Kiesha and Cary – my sister-in-law, my best friend, my co-worker, and the pastor’s wife) that are checking in on me, letting me vent the raw hard stuff, be real with them, keep me grounded, and helping me not kill anyone involved…. I don’t say that lightly, Maurice is really lucky to make it past last Tuesday as I found out that on top of all this, a previous affair (Becky - in our first 6 months of marriage) was more than just an “emotional” affair like I have been told all this time, the affair to Becky was much like this one to Lauren except shorter, probably since with Becky I found evidence of the emotional affair sooner. I have been told all the horrible details of both affairs. I still can’t figure out why Maurice is still living and I am not in jail for killing that bastard….. but he lives… I knew if I started to hit him it was over, one hit would turn into 50 hits and then I might have grabbed something (kitchen Knife) and he was going to be a dead man.……I am past the rage against him, well for the most part, I still have my moments with him… however right now Lauren is not looking to fair to well if our paths would cross. Her deception was deep into my life.
So now I have face the fact that I have been fooled by Maurice twice. Great… At the moment we are working things out, but that all may change….. I really have no clue why I am staying, I never in my life ever thought I would doubt leaving… I don’t respect cheaters (someone that would cheat on me nor friends that can cheat on someone)
I stayed after the first affair since I thought it was only an "emotional" affair (which I don’t take lightly) and plus some of it was due to I had just found out I was pregnant with Reese (a month or two along) I didn’t want to be a single mom with a kid, however if I knew there was more with Becky back then, I am sure it would have ended and I would have left. Back then, Maurice and my relationship was so rocky that I know I wouldn’t have stayed, we were 6 months into our marriage and already on the brink of divorce.
This time is different since I felt our relationship has been so good, especially the past 3 – 4 months…. Which is really a lie since the affair with Lauren was going strong during that time, it makes me sick, to know how deep the deception was…… I let her stay at my house many times. I recently almost let her move in to stay for a couple months…she was bold enough to allow things to happen in my house while I am home asleep, while my boys were asleep, then she boldly comes back the next night to my house and allows it to happen again…. my precious yet now very tainted house…. it makes me want to vomit. I didn’t say that to condemn her nor gossip about her, because frankly there so much more I am not saying… and somehow, someway I still love that B*@#%, and I hate to admit that it pains me that she is out of my life, she used to call me mom, I thought we were good friends … But I say it to let people know that I was not fooled by the lies, that I am not naively taking Maurice back…. Why am I not running away, or at least sending Maurice away???
I know some of me not leaving is due to we have kids but I am not a fool and staying just for the kids sake. By the way they don't know much of anything going on... just lots of grown up talk. Since we try to wait hash things out when they are at school or asleep. I also know that it’s not just one person’s fault or the other, it’s 50 –50 in this case. Let me tell you , my husband is far from being innocent and let off the hook.
I am searching for what I want, I’m not sure why I haven’t told him to get the hell out…. I just know I love him more than he can ever understand, I don’t think he ever understood just how much I love him, but just me loving him is not enough, because that’s not me looking out for myself. I hope I am doing the right thing…… I really, really hope I am doing the right thing by staying.
I know that in order to move on in our relationship it needs fixed. (lots of works - He has to push thru the hard stuff) but right now I know he has to fix himself - he had a childhood similar but worse to this – though he has no right to ruin our kids life so they turn out just like he did, which, this should make me run… To save our children, because if my children grown up and turn into this horrible image of a man (to make the same mistakes that their own father has, or worse to turn out just like their grandfather or their great grandfathers - to clarify with my family: on Maurice’s side of the family) then I have failed to protect my children and I won’t be able to live with myself with that knowledge… we all have crap from the past that shapes us but we can’t allow it to run how we live our lives and have it be the standard, nor allow it to ruin other peoples lives… so he has to fix himself before he can even think about fixing us, and he has to hope and pray that it’s not too late, or I’m too hurt to trust him again, and pray I am still here when he gets done.
Just so you know, this makes me doubt every female in Maurice’s life. I know it’s not fair to make everyone pay for the sins of others. But right now I am at a point of I don’t know who to trust, so I trust no one. I question everyone and if it winds up pissing you off , well right now I can’t worry about saving a friendship since I am trying to save my whole world, my life, and find out what I want…… My focus is on me now (and my kids) after that the rest is relative. Right now you are either with me or against me. My life was shattered to the core and I am just now trying to pick up the pieces.
Rest assured I am eating, sleeping, and showering.... well somewhat eating and sleeping (lost like 7 lbs in one week, which usually would be a praise) pray for me, pray for my kids, and I guess if you feel like it pray for Maurice.
Here is what Maurcie wrote about it:
Maurice Broaddus New Blog Post: Secret Lives, Secret Shame Maurice Broaddus New Blog Post: On Idea of Confessing Maurice Broaddus New Blog Post: Good Days Bad Days Maurice Broaddus New Blog Post: Prayer of Repentance Maurice Broaddus New Blog Post: Back to your Regularly Scheduled Blog |
